As humans we are social animals. We live in relation to other people and as such we have ways of being that are socially regulated and socially constructed. And all for good reason. Through our relationships with others we are able to form our world and our reality. How many of your accomplishments in life are entirely your own? How many did you achieve without the help of a teacher, a facilitator, a support network or a role model? Would they even be worthy of praise if there were nobody around to applaud you?
This is, of course, a problem for our own ideas of autonomy and identity. We all like to believe that we are individuals, separate and distinct from others. Whilst this notion is not entirely wrong, it is slightly misguided. This idea that we have of our own personal identity has led to the parallel idea of our own authenticity. The statement of “who I really am”. As if in some way we have a being that is not dependent on our interactions with others, not affected by our exchanges. We spend a lot of our time involved in sorting out who we really are and who we are when with other people. And trying to be true to ourselves.
And then we meet someone who ‘allows’ us to be ourselves. In whose presence we feel safe, and loved enough, to reveal ‘who we really are’. But the beauty of it is that it feels natural. It feels authentic. You just are who you are without any thought of being so. Your focus shifts from yourself to the other because you are not self-conscious. And mysteriously we feel like this is the one person in the world who ‘gets’ us.
However, this is not so much a mystery as it is a gift. It is the gift of creation. The creation of a meaningful relationship and interaction that allows you to construct yourself in ways that you are happy with. You are not so much revealing your ‘true self’ as you are creating a self that you are happy with. The other person happens to be in a dance with you, in which you both feel like you know the steps. The flow between you seems both easy and exciting and you soon forget, at least consciously, that you are busy building a social ‘you’. If you were with another person would you still make the same choices, feel the same way, and do the same things as you do with this person?
So then what is your individuality? Where does your authenticity lie? Someone once said that between action and reaction, between cause and effect, lays the realm of choice. Your choices are the mediator between your reality and your inner world, your individuality. In every moment we can make choices. Choices that are consistent with your principles, your values, your beliefs. When we find someone with whom we interact on such an easy and successful level it is because the choices are easy. They fit the notions that you already have of how the world should be, how the other person is, and how you are. These notions are malleable and can be adjusted where necessary, assuming they do not entirely overthrow your worldview. But I digress. The point to be had here is that our authenticity is not a separateness from others. It is not a sense of ‘being different’ from others. It is that when we are engaged in the dance of relating, we make consistent and congruent choices, but which are mediated and aware of the unique interaction at hand. We can be ourselves by becoming a social being with others. We are allowed to make these choices and express these opinions only when we are given the opportunity to relate to another human being.
So then, remember that we are meant to be social. We are meant to live in harmony with others by becoming social when the time is right. No man is an island. Nor should he be. Have faith in your principles, your convictions and yourself. And you will soon find ‘yourself’ present in every interaction with another.
