I still clearly remember the day that the person I had a crush on, almost ten years ago, first hugged me. It was the most amazing and comforting feeling I had ever felt. I was still in the closet, and I was raised to be the politest of young men. I shook hands and opened doors and always said ‘thank you’ and ‘please’. And implicit in this upbringing was a calm detachment and lack of unnecessary and “inappropriate” physical contact. Even for a young boy I had the unusual knack of offering a handshake when I met a new adult or new male friend. Females would receive a kind of half wave gesture that still sometimes surfaces today. That changed when I received my first hug with Love.
Although the precise circumstances are unclear I do seem to remember that myself and said friend had just had quite a deep and difficult conversation and when it came time to part ways he offered a hug. The most heart-warming, reassuring and delightful hug ever. And yet I have hugged people plenty of times before and since and not felt that same feeling. This got me wondering what the difference was in that hug and others like it. My only, unproven, conclusion is that it must boil down to the emotion and intent behind it. I hug strangers regularly these days because that’s the world I live in now. Handshakes just don’t cut it on the social scene anymore. It might just be the gay community, but I find that a hug goes a lot further in building rapport than a handshake does nowadays. But the most useful and satisfying hugs are ones where both parties are emotionally involved in actually expressing love or happiness or reassurance in their hugs. And even a one-sided hug leaves the person who infuses it with love feeling better. Almost as if they have done a good deed or helped someone in need. And this is the case more often than you realise.
You could potentially argue that it was because I was already emotionally invested in the other guy that his hug was so satisfying, and I would agree completely. But more than just that, the hug showed me acceptance and openness. And these need not be limited to hugs with people you’ve fallen in love with. You can give the gift of a hug to any friend or stranger as long as it’s appropriate and plausible. Don’t try too hard and end up with a sexual harassment lawsuit or a black eye. But don’t shy away from physical contact either. I say physical contact because there are ways other than hugs to convey messages with touch. A pat on the back, a light squeeze on the hands, hell, even a bump with your shoulder can say a million things. Just trust in your emotions and your judgement and give in to the feelings that you want to convey. I think you’ll find you’re really quite successful.
Sometimes we cannot find a way to say what we want to, or we are not given the chance. I wanted to tell my friend how much he meant to me that day, but I couldn’t for fear of frightening him away. But when I realised the comfort in his hug I put my heart and soul into the hug I was giving. And we’ve been giving hugs ever since. Why? Because on that day my friend felt everything I wanted to say and he knew without words that what we had was stronger than just a friendship.
No he’s not my current boyfriend, nor was he ever my lover. He’s straight and happy in his relationship with a wonderful girl. But more than just that, he knows he’s loved, and so do I. All because of a hug with Love.
