Letting Go

We are often surrounded by so many things to be grateful for and to be joyous in but we struggle to let go of the things which have, in one way or another, hurt us. The journey of letting go is not an easy road and it seems to stretch into eternity, even when we know somewhere deep down that it will come to its destination.

Dealing with the pain of a breakup is not meant to be easy. The feelings of anger, betrayal, guilt and grief that might come with the splitting apart of two people are natural considering the investment each makes in the other. You don’t stop loving someone just because your relationship status no longer acknowledges them. Being single is not a category- it’s a relationship to the world and to yourself. When you’ve been with someone for any amount of time in which you’ve come to develop affectionate feelings for them, you come into a different relationship to your own ideas of self and other. And that doesn’t change overnight.

I’ve been having dreams about my last partner. This is unusual for me because I don’t dream often. Some of these dreams have bordered on nightmares, and others have been so beautiful that waking up has been painful. Strangely, I don’t like these dreams because they show me just how much I still have invested in him emotionally. We may have moved on, but the feelings and thoughts are still lurking there in the background trying to be dealt with as best as my subconscious mind knows how. Sadly, we don’t seem to be in a place where him and I can work it out together, so that we can both move on to being happy again. And in reality, you can never know where the other person is at anyway, so I’m speaking more for myself than him in many ways. One thing I do know is that whilst this process of letting go is difficult it is also very growth producing.

Being forced to acknowledge those parts of you that are less-than-good or just downright bad is an essential part of the human condition. You cannot exist separately from the Shadow side of you that is always within you. It is important that the Shadow needs expression or else it seeps into other areas of your life and comes out in ways you least expect, and often regret. Outright hedonists will say that we need to just forget our boundaries and let all of the Shadow pour out when it wants to. I’d disagree with that. There are acceptable ways and times in which it’s ok to let the ugly side of you show. Being recklessly uninhibited serves nobody, least of all you. It’s more important to acknowledge when it is that your Shadow is present and be able to accept that in a moment you can be bad, or have bad thoughts, but that this is not you in your entirety. And to also know it’s ok to be like this with yourself but never when it could really hurt others. Strangely, we often find ourselves attracted to people who end up displaying traits or characteristics that we despise and which create much conflict between us and them. Ironically it is often these very traits which we were subconsciously attracted to in the beginning. It is an unconscious attempt to attain those Shadow parts of us that we so deeply lock away. Some people’s Shadow is so deeply disturbing to them that they cannot consciously accept that these aspects of them do exist, but the mind is always seeking integration. These people tend to find these characteristics in others so that they can then both ‘have’ and ‘reject’ these aspects. It’s easier to denounce an ugly truth in someone else than it is to do so in yourself.

I had issues with my ex because he embodied many aspects of myself that my conscious mind was too scared to acknowledge. I never trusted his loyalty, I was uncomfortable with his drinking and recreational use of dope. I couldn’t trust that he really loved me, in his own way. In reality, I am just afraid that my own loyalty is questionable, that I might be reckless at times and that I really do not have to idealise and ‘love’ every other person in order to be loved in return. In fact, I don’t ‘need’ to be loved by everyone anyway. And of course, my ex had the mirror image of what I had. His disowned parts where about being able to be loved- about not trusting that being loved is a normal and healthy aspect of any human relationship. Not believing that he is actually both worthy and capable of being loved. At least, that would be my educated guess.

Either way, I come to the same conclusion. Letting go is not actually about the loss of something. It’s about the gain. It’s about being able to integrate those very things which have caused you so ,much pain and angst. So much turmoil. It’s about seeing them for what they are and how they affect you, really.

The final two stanza’s of the poem “Letting Go” says it quite well, I think:

To let go is not to be protective,

it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,

but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future

Horrible Love

Have you ever been in love?  Horrible isn't it?  It makes you so vulnerable.  It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.  You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.... You give them a piece of you.  They didn't ask for it.  They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.  Love takes hostages.  It gets inside you.  It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.  It hurts.  Not just in the imagination.  Not just in the mind.  It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.  I hate love.  ~Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

Be Brave... Be Vulnerable

"It is not necessary to be strong in every place if, in the place you are vulnerable, you are loved." ~ Robert Brault


The constant tension between being strong and independent and simultaneously open to receiving  love and care is a lot harder than I first thought. Perhaps it's only me. Perhaps I am just an unfortunate collection of experiences and emotions that makes it difficult for me to allow myself the luxury, or the necessity, of being dependent on someone else for some emotional support. There is always the worry that I'll lose something. Lose the love, lose the safety, lose the ability to be strong for myself. But as I move along in the world I am learning that it is through love, through accepting that I am loved, that I am growing in strength.
The irony is that I am the people pleaser, the doormat, the emotional scaffolding for other people in many areas of my life. Yet, I am the emotionally detached one on many levels. It's not that I don't want to give- it's that I haven't learnt how to. And now, I find myself in a position where I want to give of myself. More than ever before, I feel the urge to be able to free myself from the emotional strictures of a Spartan, but I have only one method of learning; Trial and Error.
Trial
Being taken out of my comfort zone and not having an excuse, an explanation or a desire to give up. Dragging myself through an emotional fire-storm that threatens to consume my very soul. Some emotions are useful and others are not. Some are poisonous and some hurt while they heal. But they all teach us something about ourselves. To be put in a position where you not only question your motives, but your very emotions as well- that is a Trial.
Error
Realising, after the fact, that you've stuffed up. Wanting to change what you've done, said, felt. Knowing that you can't. Hoping that in future you'll see yourself coming and avoid the catastrophe that is you. This is Error.
Having the strength to tolerate Trial and forgive yourself for Error is the basis of Vulnerability. The acceptance of Vulnerability is the work of Bravery.


Be Brave...Be Vulnerable

Authenticity

As humans we are social animals. We live in relation to other people and as such we have ways of being that are socially regulated and socially constructed. And all for good reason. Through our relationships with others we are able to form our world and our reality. How many of your accomplishments in life are entirely your own? How many did you achieve without the help of a teacher, a facilitator, a support network or a role model? Would they even be worthy of praise if there were nobody around to applaud you?

This is, of course, a problem for our own ideas of autonomy and identity. We all like to believe that we are individuals, separate and distinct from others. Whilst this notion is not entirely wrong, it is slightly misguided. This idea that we have of our own personal identity has led to the parallel idea of our own authenticity. The statement of “who I really am”. As if in some way we have a being that is not dependent on our interactions with others, not affected by our exchanges. We spend a lot of our time involved in sorting out who we really are and who we are when with other people. And trying to be true to ourselves.

And then we meet someone who ‘allows’ us to be ourselves. In whose presence we feel safe, and loved enough, to reveal ‘who we really are’. But the beauty of it is that it feels natural. It feels authentic. You just are who you are without any thought of being so. Your focus shifts from yourself to the other because you are not self-conscious. And mysteriously we feel like this is the one person in the world who ‘gets’ us.

However, this is not so much a mystery as it is a gift. It is the gift of creation. The creation of a meaningful relationship and interaction that allows you to construct yourself in ways that you are happy with. You are not so much revealing your ‘true self’ as you are creating a self that you are happy with. The other person happens to be in a dance with you, in which you both feel like you know the steps. The flow between you seems both easy and exciting and you soon forget, at least consciously, that you are busy building a social ‘you’. If you were with another person would you still make the same choices, feel the same way, and do the same things as you do with this person?

So then what is your individuality? Where does your authenticity lie? Someone once said that between action and reaction, between cause and effect, lays the realm of choice. Your choices are the mediator between your reality and your inner world, your individuality. In every moment we can make choices. Choices that are consistent with your principles, your values, your beliefs. When we find someone with whom we interact on such an easy and successful level it is because the choices are easy. They fit the notions that you already have of how the world should be, how the other person is, and how you are. These notions are malleable and can be adjusted where necessary, assuming they do not entirely overthrow your worldview. But I digress. The point to be had here is that our authenticity is not a separateness from others. It is not a sense of ‘being different’ from others. It is that when we are engaged in the dance of relating, we make consistent and congruent choices, but which are mediated and aware of the unique interaction at hand. We can be ourselves by becoming a social being with others. We are allowed to make these choices and express these opinions only when we are given the opportunity to relate to another human being.

So then, remember that we are meant to be social. We are meant to live in harmony with others by becoming social when the time is right. No man is an island. Nor should he be. Have faith in your principles, your convictions and yourself. And you will soon find ‘yourself’ present in every interaction with another.