I had an interesting convo with a friend today. We were bemoaning the fact of our singledom and exploring the possible reasons for this. We reluctantly admit that we do pass up opportunities because we'd rather not settle for mediocrity. Call us snobs, if you will, but we'd probably fit the description of hopeless romantics better. We're waiting for the 'The One'. Putting that debate aside though, we were recently told (coincidentally) by two different friends, on different days and for different reasons -the exact same thing. Apparently we are 'too intimidating'!!!
Bless!!! Me?! Intimidating?? Never!!
According to my friend I'm intimidating because I'm confident and intelligent and know what I want from life...
Is he talking about me?!?
I know my little niggles, and my bigger insecurities. I know what thoughts wander through my mind daily. And I would never say that I'm too intimidating because I value my open and warm manner. I work on being as accepting as possible and I love to chat with strangers. I'm too shy to strike up a conversation with anybody remotely attractive to me and people who get to know me will tell you that I'm practically a doormat when it comes to helping people out. I can never say no. How can I possibly be intimidating?
The answer hit me at 2am this morning when I logged onto Facebook.
There it was, that little red message icon up on the left there. With that tiny little '1' attached to it.
An unexpected message from an acquaintance. Someone whom I thought might be a friend one day. Someone I had once hoped would be more. Someone who had simply vanished out of my life overnight when his ex reappeared.
I let him go fairly easily. His life is his own to live and I cannot deny him his happiness. His feelings for his ex are real to him and I would never suggest otherwise. However, the whole scene did show me, in high definition clarity, how human we all are.
Prior to this realisation I practically worshipped this guy. I couldn't decide if I wanted to have him, or be him. He had it all-looks, charm, success and a never say never matter-of-factness about him. He might say something like, "I'm going to build a boat"...and I'd believe him. Heck, I'd wonder where we could get materials so we could get going with it. And despite our long conversations in which he poured out his heart and his hurt, I never once doubted him. I felt for him and I comforted him, but I always assumed he was that much more than me. That he was so mature, so strong, so loving, so peaceful. How could he possibly be interested in me.
And then the strangest thing happened. At his own request, I met his ex. We all went out for dinner. And strangely to me, his ex was human. As human as you or I. He was a little uncomfortable, a little awkward. He tried hard. And he was simply another guy, with his own story. But my 'friend'... My friend was a stranger. He was doting, and lovable and proud and childlike. He was different and fresh and distinctly...well...distinctly human too!
Because on that night I realised that what I saw in my friend was put there by me. I saw only those things I wanted to see, or which my mind tricked me into seeing. I was seeing my own insecurities really, because in reality I could be just as amazing, just as mature, just as comfortable with myself. But my insecurities get in the way, so I give the power to somebody else to be those things.
Without meaning to leave you hanging, I'd ask that you think about what this means the next time you look at someone and think they're way out of your league. Think about the ways in which they too might be human. Think about why they might feel unapproachable to you. And think, also, about what's holding you back. I'd hazard a guess that you might surprise yourself...
