Jealousy- in two parts. (1)

Genesis

Jealousy is probably the most creative emotion any human can conceive of. Even more so than love. It’s like a hot spark softly landing in a bed of dry sawdust. It smoulders for a second and then ignites- flames rapidly rising and consuming everything until there is nothing but ash and soot and choking smoke. And that’s how it always starts with me. A tiny spark.

I am no stranger to jealousy because it has a long history with me. We are like old opponents, wary of each other but comfortable in the other’s presence, that is, until we join battle again. But this time it surprised me. I can’t even remember clearly what the spark was. Being left out again? Or the idea that I had been lied to? No proof, but none needed. The flames are doing their work. And it’s oh-so-beautifully creative!! What started out as a slight disappointment grew into a simmering anger. And a simmering anger grew into a cold frustration, which grew into a desire to lash out.

In objective terms it starts with a perceived insult. It can be real or imagined, but your ego thinks that it has been hurt. You’re ignored or passed over for another person. Perhaps you’re not feeling wanted, or not feeling wanted enough. Perhaps you want what another is getting. And even, possibly, you want what you had before. But all of these wants share one thing in common- creative embellishment. Jealousy takes the mundane and makes it magical because in order for it to thrive it needs to make you think that you are inferior to the ‘other’. It needs you to believe that you are somehow being cheated of something you really want and need.

I wanted the attention. I wanted the love. I wanted the admiration, the time, the respect, the feeling of being wanted. I wanted to feel important to him. But he chose to spend his time with others. And my imagination filled in the blanks. In truth, he has every right. I do not have a sole mandate on his time, or his attention. He is another human with another life that is fully his own. And my imagination lied to me. When he went out, for a day- a single day in his whole span of life, in my whole span of life- my jealousy told me that he had chosen. It told me that all those things that I wanted were being given to another, to use or waste as they pleased. And my imagination told me that he was doing it because he really wanted to give it away to someone other than I. And my jealousy made up these wonderful fantasies of smiles and laughter and love between him and another- all because my jealousy took over my imagination. And my ego cried out in pain. And when it could cry no more, it rose up with a steely look in its eye and it went to sharpen its knife. It went to make plans of war. It sent out spies and it built a fort of hurt around it. And when it was ready it marched out to battle…

. . . To witness the bloody fight see part 2- Catharsis. . .

Love Thy Self, but not too much...

Sometimes it happens. Things come along that confuse you. For no particular reason you’re thrown into a world you don’t recognise. Its familiar but it’s not. As one character says in the film War Boys:

“It’s like I’m walking down a street, and I know it so well that I don’t even have to think about where I’m going. I’ve been down it a million times before. And then suddenly I realise that I’m in someplace new. Someplace I’ve never been before. But it feels like I’ve been here my whole life.”

And that’s exactly it. It’s that unknown that becomes your reality. It’s the natural change that happened of its own accord. And it scares you and intrigues you at the same time.

Things change between my friends and I. Sometimes it’s for the worse and sometimes for the better. But things do change. And at one stage I was afraid of that. I was afraid that it would mean the end of something or that the change would bring about a new way of being that might not live up to its past. But experience begins to teach me otherwise. Relationships are living organisms. They grow and mature. Sometimes they get ill and sometimes they recover from illness. Other times they die. But most importantly, they are alive with possibility. They happen at the level of change.

Probably hardest to deal with is the fact that a relationship is an interaction where both people can grow separately but not drift apart. My personhood, my identity, is not up for consumption by the other party. Nor are they my slave. I can only exist in a relationship if my boundaries are flexible but still present. The minute someone seeks to have a symbiotic relationship with me, they have lost the battle, and the war. I am one person and you are one person. I cannot know what you are thinking and you will never understand my motives completely. And this is not a sign of a failure but rather the sign of a healthy respect for the fact that you’re in a relationship with me as another human being. Symbiosis is essentially being in a relationship with yourself, which is pointless. When someone says to me ‘I know what you’re thinking’ or ‘we always think alike’ it reflects to me the notion that this person wants us to be symbiotic. It does not in any way represent reality. It represents their desire to be merged. An understandable desire, to be sure, but it is nothing more than a subconscious yearning to achieve personal validation. What better way to feel that your own opinions are justified than to find someone who completely agrees with you?

The inherent flaw in symbiotic relationships is that they are generally one-sided. One person gives and one person takes. One person becomes the emotional donor that sustains the other. One person wants to be completely in tune with the other in order to feel validated whilst the other tries their hardest to fulfil the role because they want to be needed. But in the end, the donor burns out. They cannot long withstand the constant demands on their energy, their personality, their essence or their love. And the partner is left wanting more.

Well, I have reached just such a stage. And I’d love to find a way through it that doesn’t involve running from the problem. I’d like to find the path of greatest growth, for both myself and my friend. And through it all I only hope that we can come to share a deeper love and a greater understanding of where we fit into each other’s lives, as individuals and on our common ground. And most importantly, I hope that in every relationship you and I come to realise the value of our own identity as well as the value of being able to love someone else for their own individuality. Because at the end of the day, the person you love should not be you.

Insecure you, insecure me...

I had an interesting convo with a friend today. We were bemoaning the fact of our singledom and exploring the possible reasons for this. We reluctantly admit that we do pass up opportunities because we'd rather not settle for mediocrity. Call us snobs, if you will, but we'd probably fit the description of hopeless romantics better. We're waiting for the 'The One'. Putting that debate aside though, we were recently told (coincidentally) by two different friends, on different days and for different reasons -the exact same thing. Apparently we are 'too intimidating'!!!

Bless!!! Me?! Intimidating?? Never!!

According to my friend I'm intimidating because I'm confident and intelligent and know what I want from life...

Is he talking about me?!?

I know my little niggles, and my bigger insecurities. I know what thoughts wander through my mind daily. And I would never say that I'm too intimidating because I value my open and warm manner. I work on being as accepting as possible and I love to chat with strangers. I'm too shy to strike up a conversation with anybody remotely attractive to me and people who get to know me will tell you that I'm practically a doormat when it comes to helping people out. I can never say no. How can I possibly be intimidating?

The answer hit me at 2am this morning when I logged onto Facebook.

There it was, that little red message icon up on the left there. With that tiny little '1' attached to it.

An unexpected message from an acquaintance. Someone whom I thought might be a friend one day. Someone I had once hoped would be more. Someone who had simply vanished out of my life overnight when his ex reappeared.

I let him go fairly easily. His life is his own to live and I cannot deny him his happiness. His feelings for his ex are real to him and I would never suggest otherwise. However, the whole scene did show me, in high definition clarity, how human we all are.

Prior to this realisation I practically worshipped this guy. I couldn't decide if I wanted to have him, or be him. He had it all-looks, charm, success and a never say never matter-of-factness about him. He might say something like, "I'm going to build a boat"...and I'd believe him. Heck, I'd wonder where we could get materials so we could get going with it. And despite our long conversations in which he poured out his heart and his hurt, I never once doubted him. I felt for him and I comforted him, but I always assumed he was that much more than me. That he was so mature, so strong, so loving, so peaceful. How could he possibly be interested in me.

And then the strangest thing happened. At his own request, I met his ex. We all went out for dinner. And strangely to me, his ex was human. As human as you or I. He was a little uncomfortable, a little awkward. He tried hard. And he was simply another guy, with his own story. But my 'friend'... My friend was a stranger. He was doting, and lovable and proud and childlike. He was different and fresh and distinctly...well...distinctly human too!

Because on that night I realised that what I saw in my friend was put there by me. I saw only those things I wanted to see, or which my mind tricked me into seeing. I was seeing my own insecurities really, because in reality I could be just as amazing, just as mature, just as comfortable with myself. But my insecurities get in the way, so I give the power to somebody else to be those things.

Without meaning to leave you hanging, I'd ask that you think about what this means the next time you look at someone and think they're way out of your league. Think about the ways in which they too might be human. Think about why they might feel unapproachable to you. And think, also, about what's holding you back. I'd hazard a guess that you might surprise yourself...

Hug With Love

I still clearly remember the day that the person I had a crush on, almost ten years ago, first hugged me. It was the most amazing and comforting feeling I had ever felt. I was still in the closet, and I was raised to be the politest of young men. I shook hands and opened doors and always said ‘thank you’ and ‘please’. And implicit in this upbringing was a calm detachment and lack of unnecessary and “inappropriate” physical contact. Even for a young boy I had the unusual knack of offering a handshake when I met a new adult or new male friend. Females would receive a kind of half wave gesture that still sometimes surfaces today. That changed when I received my first hug with Love.

Although the precise circumstances are unclear I do seem to remember that myself and said friend had just had quite a deep and difficult conversation and when it came time to part ways he offered a hug. The most heart-warming, reassuring and delightful hug ever. And yet I have hugged people plenty of times before and since and not felt that same feeling. This got me wondering what the difference was in that hug and others like it. My only, unproven, conclusion is that it must boil down to the emotion and intent behind it. I hug strangers regularly these days because that’s the world I live in now. Handshakes just don’t cut it on the social scene anymore. It might just be the gay community, but I find that a hug goes a lot further in building rapport than a handshake does nowadays. But the most useful and satisfying hugs are ones where both parties are emotionally involved in actually expressing love or happiness or reassurance in their hugs. And even a one-sided hug leaves the person who infuses it with love feeling better. Almost as if they have done a good deed or helped someone in need. And this is the case more often than you realise.

You could potentially argue that it was because I was already emotionally invested in the other guy that his hug was so satisfying, and I would agree completely. But more than just that, the hug showed me acceptance and openness. And these need not be limited to hugs with people you’ve fallen in love with. You can give the gift of a hug to any friend or stranger as long as it’s appropriate and plausible. Don’t try too hard and end up with a sexual harassment lawsuit or a black eye. But don’t shy away from physical contact either. I say physical contact because there are ways other than hugs to convey messages with touch. A pat on the back, a light squeeze on the hands, hell, even a bump with your shoulder can say a million things. Just trust in your emotions and your judgement and give in to the feelings that you want to convey. I think you’ll find you’re really quite successful.

Sometimes we cannot find a way to say what we want to, or we are not given the chance. I wanted to tell my friend how much he meant to me that day, but I couldn’t for fear of frightening him away. But when I realised the comfort in his hug I put my heart and soul into the hug I was giving. And we’ve been giving hugs ever since. Why? Because on that day my friend felt everything I wanted to say and he knew without words that what we had was stronger than just a friendship.

No he’s not my current boyfriend, nor was he ever my lover. He’s straight and happy in his relationship with a wonderful girl. But more than just that, he knows he’s loved, and so do I. All because of a hug with Love.

On Friendship

In the final analysis, a friend is someone who cares about you and with you for no benefit to themselves. Out of a place of love they stick with you because they feel a duty to do so without any expected reward or reason.

Friendship evolves from letting go. I cannot be a true friend before I learn to let go past hurts and expectations. I can be betrayed and still love. I can be ignored and still work at it. I can be forgiving and forgetful of old wounds. The essence of friendship lies not in the mutuality but in the humanity. It arises from the love for another’s wellbeing and spirit despite their use-value or their confidence in you.

On the converse side of this is the fact that a friend cannot be forced. Your love is given freely but must also be taken freely. If your love is not received with grace and friendship in turn it is not an insult to you, or an attack on your ego. It is simply a fact of life. Move on. Let go. But always keep your heart open. For without the ability to have an open heart you cannot make a safe place for the heart of another to be open to you.

What if...

"What if you knew that everything that was happening right now

That doesn't fit your ego ideal

Is happening to support you in stepping out of the smallness

Of your darkest thoughts

And into the brilliance of your biggest Dream?"

Debbie Ford ~ "The Shadow Effect"

Accepting and learning from every hardship is not something we do well. Too many times we only learn to fear a repeat. We focus on what we "shouldn't" do instead of focussing on what we "should" do. And this serves to reinforce the fearful ideas we already hold. The bonds that restrict us to a life of fear are regularly maintained by such thoughts. And it is these thoughts that hold us back.

If you think about it, there are only thoughts between our dreams and our failures. Every attempt that falls short of the mark is an opportunity to come closer to your goal. What stops us is the fear that next time will be just like the last. A fair conclusion if you take your past as being your point of reference. Remember that at one stage in your life, you couldn't walk. You couldn't stand and balance. When you tried, you fell repeatedly. Doubtless there were times when you hurt yourself. But you tried again, despite past failures, because you had not yet learnt to fear. You didn't know to be afraid of failure. Your lack of fear allowed you to learn. And eventually you walked, and then you ran. You were free.

Fear is not something in your environment; it is something inside of you. It doesn't exist separately from your thoughts. If you eliminate fear does your environment change? Is it suddenly filled with friendly, supportive people? Do obstacles just disappear? Of course not. But would that matter if you let go of fear? If you weren't afraid would you care what people can or can't do? Would those obstacles be un-testable to you?

Letting go of fear will not make you superhuman. It will not change the world. But it will allow you to learn. It will raise your expectations and release your potential. You'd be more successful, happy, alive and in-touch simply because you'd try harder, live larger and persevere.

Success teaches you little; failure teaches you much. Failure is an opportunity to let go of fear. Take every opportunity you get and as you do so you will undoubtedly be given even more opportunities. You'll soon find though, that you'll be given a lot more success too. At the end of the day, you may find that of all the things you feared, only fear itself was really scary. The rest of it was just a lesson.

Beautiful Masks

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves." ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

I guess that everyone wears a mask at some time in their life, if not at all times. They must surely serve a purpose and hopefully are of good use to you. But in the end the mask is not you. It is not who you really are. Who you need to be.

"We are betrayed by what is false within."~George Meredith

And eventually the pretence falls away and reveals you, naked and scared, to all those whom you sought to deceive. The sad irony is that as long as you wear the mask you cannot be loved for who you are. People may fall in love with the mask, and be disappointed by who you really are when it comes off.

Suppose we removed the mask before we get involved with others... Wouldn't it be wonderful to know that you are being accepted for who you are? To be loved on account of your inner beauty and including all your imperfections?

And how infinitely beautiful could it be if we knew, in our heart of hearts, that the other person is truly who they appear to be because they have removed their mask for you? Could you imagine a greater way to be loved?

One needs ask oneself:

What mask am I wearing? And why?

*Please note that I do not own any rights to this photograph.