Hug With Love

I still clearly remember the day that the person I had a crush on, almost ten years ago, first hugged me. It was the most amazing and comforting feeling I had ever felt. I was still in the closet, and I was raised to be the politest of young men. I shook hands and opened doors and always said ‘thank you’ and ‘please’. And implicit in this upbringing was a calm detachment and lack of unnecessary and “inappropriate” physical contact. Even for a young boy I had the unusual knack of offering a handshake when I met a new adult or new male friend. Females would receive a kind of half wave gesture that still sometimes surfaces today. That changed when I received my first hug with Love.

Although the precise circumstances are unclear I do seem to remember that myself and said friend had just had quite a deep and difficult conversation and when it came time to part ways he offered a hug. The most heart-warming, reassuring and delightful hug ever. And yet I have hugged people plenty of times before and since and not felt that same feeling. This got me wondering what the difference was in that hug and others like it. My only, unproven, conclusion is that it must boil down to the emotion and intent behind it. I hug strangers regularly these days because that’s the world I live in now. Handshakes just don’t cut it on the social scene anymore. It might just be the gay community, but I find that a hug goes a lot further in building rapport than a handshake does nowadays. But the most useful and satisfying hugs are ones where both parties are emotionally involved in actually expressing love or happiness or reassurance in their hugs. And even a one-sided hug leaves the person who infuses it with love feeling better. Almost as if they have done a good deed or helped someone in need. And this is the case more often than you realise.

You could potentially argue that it was because I was already emotionally invested in the other guy that his hug was so satisfying, and I would agree completely. But more than just that, the hug showed me acceptance and openness. And these need not be limited to hugs with people you’ve fallen in love with. You can give the gift of a hug to any friend or stranger as long as it’s appropriate and plausible. Don’t try too hard and end up with a sexual harassment lawsuit or a black eye. But don’t shy away from physical contact either. I say physical contact because there are ways other than hugs to convey messages with touch. A pat on the back, a light squeeze on the hands, hell, even a bump with your shoulder can say a million things. Just trust in your emotions and your judgement and give in to the feelings that you want to convey. I think you’ll find you’re really quite successful.

Sometimes we cannot find a way to say what we want to, or we are not given the chance. I wanted to tell my friend how much he meant to me that day, but I couldn’t for fear of frightening him away. But when I realised the comfort in his hug I put my heart and soul into the hug I was giving. And we’ve been giving hugs ever since. Why? Because on that day my friend felt everything I wanted to say and he knew without words that what we had was stronger than just a friendship.

No he’s not my current boyfriend, nor was he ever my lover. He’s straight and happy in his relationship with a wonderful girl. But more than just that, he knows he’s loved, and so do I. All because of a hug with Love.

On Friendship

In the final analysis, a friend is someone who cares about you and with you for no benefit to themselves. Out of a place of love they stick with you because they feel a duty to do so without any expected reward or reason.

Friendship evolves from letting go. I cannot be a true friend before I learn to let go past hurts and expectations. I can be betrayed and still love. I can be ignored and still work at it. I can be forgiving and forgetful of old wounds. The essence of friendship lies not in the mutuality but in the humanity. It arises from the love for another’s wellbeing and spirit despite their use-value or their confidence in you.

On the converse side of this is the fact that a friend cannot be forced. Your love is given freely but must also be taken freely. If your love is not received with grace and friendship in turn it is not an insult to you, or an attack on your ego. It is simply a fact of life. Move on. Let go. But always keep your heart open. For without the ability to have an open heart you cannot make a safe place for the heart of another to be open to you.

What if...

"What if you knew that everything that was happening right now

That doesn't fit your ego ideal

Is happening to support you in stepping out of the smallness

Of your darkest thoughts

And into the brilliance of your biggest Dream?"

Debbie Ford ~ "The Shadow Effect"

Accepting and learning from every hardship is not something we do well. Too many times we only learn to fear a repeat. We focus on what we "shouldn't" do instead of focussing on what we "should" do. And this serves to reinforce the fearful ideas we already hold. The bonds that restrict us to a life of fear are regularly maintained by such thoughts. And it is these thoughts that hold us back.

If you think about it, there are only thoughts between our dreams and our failures. Every attempt that falls short of the mark is an opportunity to come closer to your goal. What stops us is the fear that next time will be just like the last. A fair conclusion if you take your past as being your point of reference. Remember that at one stage in your life, you couldn't walk. You couldn't stand and balance. When you tried, you fell repeatedly. Doubtless there were times when you hurt yourself. But you tried again, despite past failures, because you had not yet learnt to fear. You didn't know to be afraid of failure. Your lack of fear allowed you to learn. And eventually you walked, and then you ran. You were free.

Fear is not something in your environment; it is something inside of you. It doesn't exist separately from your thoughts. If you eliminate fear does your environment change? Is it suddenly filled with friendly, supportive people? Do obstacles just disappear? Of course not. But would that matter if you let go of fear? If you weren't afraid would you care what people can or can't do? Would those obstacles be un-testable to you?

Letting go of fear will not make you superhuman. It will not change the world. But it will allow you to learn. It will raise your expectations and release your potential. You'd be more successful, happy, alive and in-touch simply because you'd try harder, live larger and persevere.

Success teaches you little; failure teaches you much. Failure is an opportunity to let go of fear. Take every opportunity you get and as you do so you will undoubtedly be given even more opportunities. You'll soon find though, that you'll be given a lot more success too. At the end of the day, you may find that of all the things you feared, only fear itself was really scary. The rest of it was just a lesson.

Beautiful Masks

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves." ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

I guess that everyone wears a mask at some time in their life, if not at all times. They must surely serve a purpose and hopefully are of good use to you. But in the end the mask is not you. It is not who you really are. Who you need to be.

"We are betrayed by what is false within."~George Meredith

And eventually the pretence falls away and reveals you, naked and scared, to all those whom you sought to deceive. The sad irony is that as long as you wear the mask you cannot be loved for who you are. People may fall in love with the mask, and be disappointed by who you really are when it comes off.

Suppose we removed the mask before we get involved with others... Wouldn't it be wonderful to know that you are being accepted for who you are? To be loved on account of your inner beauty and including all your imperfections?

And how infinitely beautiful could it be if we knew, in our heart of hearts, that the other person is truly who they appear to be because they have removed their mask for you? Could you imagine a greater way to be loved?

One needs ask oneself:

What mask am I wearing? And why?

*Please note that I do not own any rights to this photograph.

Love is like a porcupine...

I came across an interesting idea the other day...

Being in love will at some point or another be difficult. My opinion is that if it doesn't get difficult at times then you're doing it wrong. Unfortunately, for many of us, we tend to cut loose at the first sign of trouble, which invariably leaves us feeling lonely and confused.

Why can't I find anyone? What's wrong with me? Whats wrong with them?

Well, the reality is that love is work. Love is a process, not a state. It changes and grows as much as any human being does. Just like us humans it gets sick and sometimes it dies. But that shouldn't and doesn't stop us from trying to attain it.

The trick is knowing when to work at it and when to leave it behind. For the most part I believe that one should always try to work at it. There are good reasons for sticking to it and working it out. Be careful not to just give up and give in. Don't be a doormat, but do realise that working to find a solution is better than running away because in every relationship half the problems (at least) are yours. When you run, you inadvertently take your baggage with you. And then you wonder why all your relationships end up with similar problems.

Unfortunately, our selves and our partners are not always on the same page when it comes to getting what we want out of a relationship. And this leads to conflict. The irony is that we are really only trying to be loved, and trying to love. But when we clash we put up our shields and draw our swords to defend what we believe and want. We end up hurting each other and ourselves.

As Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil says in her book Make Up, Don't Break Up ~

"Like two porcupines in an igloo, you want to get close enough to stay warm, but not so close that you prick each other"

Bearing in mind that you chose this person because they made you feel special. And assuming you have the desire to help them feel loved. Don't you think it's worth trying to work it out?

And if not, why not? What's the big issue? And why is it unworkable? If you manage to answer these questions you may find that many of your seemingly insurmountable issues have a basic core that can be worked with and healed.

Lastly, you can never make someone change. There is no force on earth that can make a person change without their own desire to do so. The corollary to this is that you have the power to change yourself. Not to give in, but to pursue your own ideals. To live the life you want to live for yourself. If the other person see's that you are not attacking them or their decisions they may be inspired to be a part of your amazing new life. You have the power to create a brilliant, bold and happy life that attracts others to you. If you can be happy within yourself, then you have the potential to attract happiness from others and to make others limitlessly happy. So forget trying to subdue others to your will. Be the change you want to see. If they don't tag along then leave them behind. You're making your life. Let them make theirs

Be free.

4 Years On...

Wow..... 4 years and 5 posts... This counts as an EPIC FAIL!!

Either way, I guess it's a learning curve, albeit a slow one. Especially difficult to grasp just what it is I'm learning here.

Life in general, on the other hand, has been busy. Full of learning and full of failure. Full of success too. And full of growth.

One would imagine this to be a good thing , right? Well so far it's stood me in good stead- but here I go again, getting ahead of myself.

Well kids, here's the lesson plan:

Lesson 1: Don't wait around for love.

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll be there. With the exception of extremely shy people, most potential suitors will want to engage with you. They'll want to hear your voice, and see your face.

Do you know that 'butterflies in your tummy' feeling? The one that you get when you think of that special person? Well, if that person has them for you, you'll know about it. If you're not sure, it's probably because the other person isn't sure. And if they're not sure about you, don't stick around... You deserve someone who's sure.

Lesson 2: If you like someone, tell them.

Don't just think that things will magically work out. You're going to want to tell them anyway, so just get it over and done with. That way, you give the other person a chance to respond. And if they like you, things will move along from there at their own pace. If the other person is not sure- see Lesson 1...

Lesson 3: Don't let your insecurities get the better of you.

We all have them. Some of us deal with them, most of us don't. We all get screwed over by them at some stage. The point is to acknowledge that they exist and try to grow through them. I mean accept them, understand them, and try not to let them rule you. Most of the hurt we sustain in this world, we bring upon ourselves. When we stop blaming others we can start to catch ourselves before we fall. granted, it's easier said than done. But who said it would be easy? I will say that it's worthwhile though...

Lesson 4: Stress is the gap between your expectations and reality.

Other people don't disappoint you- you simply give them expectations that they do not achieve. Does that reflect on your character? Does that somehow diminish who you are? No, it doesn't! Their failure to live up to your expectations is not your problem. Accept that you are disappointed because you expected something, and learn to let those expectations go. Same goes for success and failure. Set goals and work towards them, but realise that the stress of failure is simply a product of whether you met your expectations or not. Go into it with the process, and not the goal, in mind. Do a job well for the sake of doing it well, not for the outcome.

Lesson 5: Try to take a positive attitude to everything.

Attitude ~ (noun) A personal view of something.

Thats right folks- it's entirely yours. That a-hole who just cut you off at the intersection isn't to blame for your frustration. You are. Don't believe me? Try telling a 5 year old that he shouldn't laugh when someone farts in public. Hard to get him to listen right? Well eventually he learns that he shouldn't find it amusing, and guess what? At age 30 he doesn't find it amusing anymore. Why? Because he has slowly changed his attitude towards it. The operative word being 'changed'. Yes you can! You have the control over your attitude that is necessary to eliminate 90% of life frustrations. The other 10% are problems such as nuclear war or your death... But at least you could go to your grave smiling- if you had the right attitude...

Lesson 6: Actions speak louder than words.

Yours and theirs. Want to know what someone really thinks? Look at what they do. I never met someone who kept a promise, without actually keeping that promise. It's like the idea that unexpressed gratitude is actually ingratitude. You can have the best intentions in the world, but unless you actually say thank you, you're being ungrateful. Likewise with other people. If they say something hold off on believing them until you see the proof. Whether it's a changed behaviour or a different perspective, you have to see it to believe it.

Lesson 7: Have your own opinions.

They may be stupid, irrelevant or uneducated but at least your problems are your own. Remember that being somebody you're not means having problems that aren't yours and dealing with crap that isn't about you. And that's more tiring than it's worth. I would say be yourself, but that's far too vague, since most people grow on a daily basis. So rather test your beliefs and find your grounded opinions. They may change over time, but they're a great anchor for you at the moment.

Lesson 8: Live in the present.

Worry gets you nowhere. Stop worrying. Especially about the future. Living in the present doesn't mean ignoring the future. It means working with what you have, and what you have is the present. The future holds no guarantees, so don't try to form it. Rather do the best with what you have right now, and the future will unfold as it does. It's like a paper mill. The quality of paper mulch you produce now feeds into the machine of life, and determines the quality of paper that comes out in the future. But it's still blank paper that will be written on by you and the universe. So do your best right now, and you'll have a good background for your works of art later on.

Lesson 9: Treat your body well.

Your body is not a temple. It doesn't just stand there and look impressive. It's a living, moving, working organism. And it holds all of you. It needs maintenance and it needs to be kept in working order. Push it sometimes, and indulge it at other times. But whatever you do, don't waste it. You don't have to be Adonis or Venus. Being healthy may not necessarily mean going to gym every day or eating celery and tuna every meal. Being healthy is a journey that you walk every day, step by step. Being healthy is a decision. Take it easy at first. No matter how far along the path you are, there's always an improvement to be made. And remember that health is not the absence of illness, its the presence of vitality. It's never too late, nor is it ever unimportant. Get going.

Lesson 10: Let go of fear.

Living a life with less fear takes a certain amount of courage. But stop and think for a second how much fear holds you back. In almost every area of your life. Seriously consider what you might do if you knew you could not fail. Lets admit that we will fail, a lot. But why is this such a bad thing? If we learn from every failure then we grow from every failure. So see it as a path to growth and expansion. And then also see it as a path to fulfilling your dreams. Who could say that a life of fulfilled dreams is worse than a life of wishing but never acting? Let go of fear, and take a risk. It will hurt sometimes, but one day it'll be the greatest moment of your life. And along the way, you'll gain strength, self-assurance and make new and exciting discoveries. So what are you waiting for?

Time to Shine....

It's truly humbling to think that we are given a fresh lot of 24 hours neatly packaged in 60 minute intervals, divided into seconds, every day. And we claim to be conscious of this time. We mourn its quick passing and its wasted opportunity as we make our daily rounds. The truth is that the length of a minute depends entirely on which side of the bathroom door you're on. Time is relative. Relative to how you feel you are spending it. Time flies when you're having fun or afraid of some impending fate. Time drags when you yearn for your lover or your lunch. Boredom freezes time in place and eternity seems like a possibility, but by tomorrow that same eternity seems like it was a distant memory from your past.

First I ask you to meditate on time. The time we have right now, and the time we may have ahead of us. Think in seconds, minutes and hours. Leave days for reflection on at their own ending.

Done?

Now forget time awhile.....

Think on you. Who are you? Are you the boy or the girl in the mirror? Are you the child or the adult? Are you the person who feels insecure about your large thighs or your freckled face? Are you really what you think others see in you?

Don't be afraid. Your thoughts are your own. Trust that you will not expose them to a critical eye.

When you dream of yourself in your own life what do you see? Your dream's great isn't it?

The one where you are happy, loved, courageous, peaceful, powerful and graceful. In your dream you are all the things your heart truly desires.... Not the material things, no- those feelings and states that connect you with your inner fire rather. Those feelings of joy that threaten to bubble forth and those latent urges to jump in the puddle or sing that tune with all your heart- the desires that push to be released..

Now be honest. Acknowledge the doubt that springs up and see through it. It is not you. You are not the weak or weary facade. You are those deep, pit-of-your-stomach sensations of inspiration that reside inside of you. Are you?

Ask yourself:

Why?

Why not?

Who is holding me back from my own joy? My own fulfillment? My own happiness? My own greatness?

If the answer is not "me" then you are not yourself. You are what they are telling you to be. Do they really know you? Of course not.

So I ask again:

Who are you? Who do you feel you are inside? Are these two people one and the same?

Now, again, be honest. And think on these words:

"It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do."

Let us return to time.

We have it. It happens with us in every second. What are we doing with it?

Are we filling it with suppressed joy and false fears? Are we questioning our ability and feeding our insecurities? What are we afraid of in every little moment?

Only you can speak for yourself. You may listen to others and let them define you. Or you can listen to your heart and be yourself.

"You must have control of the authorship of your own destiny. The pen that writes your life story must be held in your own hand."

In the end, being yourself is not a state that you wish to attain. Rather it is a day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute realisation that you are not bound by weakness but are actually capable of moving towards your own greatness- your own light, by letting go of your doubts.

So what will you do with your next few minutes?