We are often
surrounded by so many things to be grateful for and to be joyous in but we
struggle to let go of the things which have, in one way or another, hurt us.
The journey of letting go is not an easy road and it seems to stretch into
eternity, even when we know somewhere deep down that it will come to its
destination.
Dealing with
the pain of a breakup is not meant to be easy. The feelings of anger,
betrayal, guilt and grief that might come with the splitting apart of two
people are natural considering the investment each makes in the other. You
don’t stop loving someone just because your relationship status no longer
acknowledges them. Being single is not a category- it’s a relationship to the
world and to yourself. When you’ve been with someone for any amount of time in
which you’ve come to develop affectionate feelings for them, you come into a
different relationship to your own ideas of self and other. And that doesn’t
change overnight.
I’ve been
having dreams about my last partner. This is unusual for me because I don’t
dream often. Some of these dreams have bordered on nightmares, and others have
been so beautiful that waking up has been painful.
Strangely, I don’t like these dreams because they show me just how much I still
have invested in him emotionally. We may have moved on, but the feelings and thoughts
are still lurking there in the background trying to be dealt with as best as my
subconscious mind knows how. Sadly, we don’t seem to be in a place where him
and I can work it out together, so that we can both move on to being happy
again. And in reality, you can never know where the other person is at anyway,
so I’m speaking more for myself than him in many ways. One thing I do know is
that whilst this process of letting go is difficult it is also very growth
producing.
Being forced
to acknowledge those parts of you that are less-than-good or just downright bad
is an essential part of the human condition. You cannot exist separately from
the Shadow side of you that is always within you. It is important that the
Shadow needs expression or else it seeps into other areas of your life and
comes out in ways you least expect, and often regret. Outright hedonists will
say that we need to just forget our boundaries and let all of the Shadow pour
out when it wants to. I’d disagree with that. There are acceptable ways and times
in which it’s ok to let the ugly side of you show. Being recklessly uninhibited
serves nobody, least of all you. It’s more important to acknowledge when it is
that your Shadow is present and be able to accept that in a moment you can be
bad, or have bad thoughts, but that this is not you in your entirety. And to
also know it’s ok to be like this with yourself but never when it could really
hurt others. Strangely, we often find ourselves attracted to people who end up
displaying traits or characteristics that we despise and which create much
conflict between us and them. Ironically it is often these very traits which we
were subconsciously attracted to in the beginning. It is an unconscious attempt
to attain those Shadow parts of us that we so deeply lock away. Some people’s
Shadow is so deeply disturbing to them that they cannot consciously accept that
these aspects of them do exist, but the mind is always seeking integration.
These people tend to find these characteristics in others so that they can then
both ‘have’ and ‘reject’ these aspects. It’s easier to denounce an ugly truth
in someone else than it is to do so in yourself.
I had issues
with my ex because he embodied many aspects of myself that my conscious mind
was too scared to acknowledge. I never trusted his loyalty, I was uncomfortable
with his drinking and recreational use of dope. I couldn’t trust that he really
loved me, in his own way. In reality, I am just afraid that my own loyalty is
questionable, that I might be reckless at times and that I really do not have
to idealise and ‘love’ every other person in order to be loved in return. In fact,
I don’t ‘need’ to be loved by everyone anyway. And of course, my ex had the
mirror image of what I had. His disowned parts where about being able to be
loved- about not trusting that being loved is a normal and healthy aspect of
any human relationship. Not believing that he is actually both worthy and
capable of being loved. At least, that would be my educated guess.
Either way, I
come to the same conclusion. Letting go is not actually about the loss of
something. It’s about the gain. It’s about being able to integrate those very
things which have caused you so ,much pain and angst. So much turmoil. It’s
about seeing them for what they are and how they affect you, really.
The final
two stanza’s of the poem “Letting Go” says it quite well, I think:
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own
shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my
desires,
but to take each day as it comes and
cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate
anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future
